When your children were small, you tolerated numerous arguments among the siblings. You knew this was how they learned to handle the opposition they'd inevitably confront in the outside world. You'd stop the actual fisticuffs before the blood reached their ankles, that is, when you were present at the disputes. They soon learned to stay out of sight for their more heated disagreements.
As time went on, you were actually secretly happy when they refused to "rat" on one another. Many times they all went to bed early because no one would admit to committing the latest transgression. "Aha!", you'd think. "At last they're starting to act like brothers and sister. They'll be good friends by the time they become adults."
But when they grew up, you soon learned you had been mistaken. Each of your adult children had his or her own personality. Their likes and dislikes were different. Their political and religious views were at variance. Often the stronger personalities tried to impose their views on the more passive. Their occupations and leisure-time pursuits were different. Add to the mix spouses who came from different backgrounds and you have the ingredients for some spirited family feuds.
In addition, sibling rivalry never really disappears. One adult child will have a better job, another may have smarter children, another may choose to remain childless, but to take elegant vacations. No one will have all the advantages, and some personalities never gain the maturity to be able to rejoice at a sibling's success. The immature may pick a fight to create an excuse to distance himself from the more "successful" sibling. That way, he won't be constantly reminded of his own (what he perceives to be) lesser achievements.
What can the mother do? She may see the faults and may lay the blame in her own mind, but it will not help to verbalize her feelings. Being older, she's probably already considered out-of-touch with contemporary issues, and if she takes one side against the other she'll probably hear, "Oh you always liked Johnny best!" She has given them roots, but unfortunately when they obtain their wings, they often fly off in different directions.
The only way she may succeed as mediator is to play the pity card. "This may be my last Christmas. Couldn't you all get along so that your poor old mother can die happy?" Some of us have too much self-respect to do that. Besides, what can she do for an encore if she happens to survive until next Christmas?
Meanwhile everyone suffers. The siblings miss out on what should be among the closest of their relationships. The children miss knowing their aunts, uncles and cousins.
Holidays, instead of being happy family gatherings, consist of confusing schedules arranged so that no one runs into someone he or she is not speaking to.
Grandma doesn't see as much as she'd like of anyone, because no one will just "drop in" unexpectedly because someone they consider objectionable might be there. What a sad and unnecessary situation!.
What can a mother do? She has no choice but to accept the situation. We are imperfect people living in an imperfect world. Be grateful for the visits that do occur and pray for an improvement in family harmony in the future.
Oh, and if you like family portraits, you'd better arrange for them while your children are young, and the arguments and fisticuffs are of a minor nature. If you wait until they're grown up, you may have to go without.
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